Stevens thoughts
by Smiles1001
Summary: He knew it was the right choice. He knew when he saw the tape, he knew when he found the key, he knew when he found the temple, he knew even before he fused with Connie. He was the reason for everyone's problems.
1. Chapter 1: Steven

He knew it was the right choice.

He knew when he saw the tape, he knew when he found the key, he knew when he found the temple, he knew even before he fused with Connie. He was the reason for everyone's problems. Maybe indirectly through Rose and maybe just because of him but either way it was his fault his friends kept getting hurt. The only way to stop them from getting hurt was to remove himself from the situation. So, yes, he got on the ship. He left the people he loved to make sure they didn't get hurt, but he also left so he wouldn't get hurt either. Living in beach city, acting like everything was normal. It wasn't working anymore. He was scared to to fuse with Connie for fear she would see the things going through his mind that he didn't want to share, or give up. He was there when Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond cried over their lost friend. He couldn't remember the last time he saw a gem cry that hard over someone else. But living with this much guilt wasn't healthy. It would have been so much easier if he had never been born! Then everyone would have their leader, his dad his mom, and Pearl...her Rose. He wouldn't be a useless gem with human characteristics. He wouldn't be a screw up. He would be alive. And somehow he thought that just might be better. No one seemed to understand how hard it was to be the only one who didn't know his mom. No one seemed to know how hard it was to know that his dad would never be that happy again. No knew how hard it was to watch his friends be taken and almost killed for the gems who wished his mother, and his planet, dead. He felt so alone. He couldn't have human friends in fear of them getting killed, and gems didn't understand how hard it was to be living.

So yeah, it was the right choice to get on the ship. He needed to be responsible for his mom's mistakes. He needed his friends...to be safe. And that meant far, far away from him. Far away from the pain, the memories, the risked all of them. This way he could end all that he caused. He didn't have a future on earth. This way he could go down fighting.

A/N:

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	2. Chapter 2:Pearl

Shout out to MoonPoppy for the suggestion.

He left.

He got on the ship and left. She wasn't expecting it, then again who was, but he did. And something inside of her broke to see that. Because it wasn't just Steven who got on that ship, her Rose did too. And Pearl was devastated. How could she let this happen! It's like she was designed to be a screw up. She emerged to be a servant and joined a rebellion. She couldn't do anything right. She couldn't even flirt well enough for Rose to fall in love with her, and Rose was her everything. Rose was the reason she went into the rebellion, and Rose was the reason she is where she is today. Surrounded by friends. They could have been in everlasting love...but you don't always get what you want. Rose just _had_ to pick a human. A HUMAN! What did he have over her! Could he fight? Not with that squishy flesh. Could he fuse or live forever? No. He couldn't. But that didn't stop Rose. Nothing could stop Rose to be honest, and that was one of the things Pearl loved about her. So when Rose got together with Greg, she was happy for them. Kind of. But Rose left _again._ Because that was what Rose did, leave Pearl by herself. So Steven was born and Pearl was less than thrilled. She didn't understand why someone would leave everyone they loved. Why she would leave _her._ What was so bad about her that made someone want to leave. But that didn't matter anymore. She loved Steven and vowed to protect him, for Rose. And Steven was so cute.

So she didn't understand why he would would get on the ship. They could have handled it. They could have made it all better for him and get his human friends back to safety. But he just couldn't stay out of it. Why didn't he understand how hard it is to watch him fight knowing that each one could be his last. As far as they knew, he didn't reform if he got hurt. But no matter what they say Steven always insisted on fighting. Just like Rose. Rose left so much behind for him. She would be lying if she said she wasn't disappointed that Steven knew about all the places Rose saved just for her. Although she knew that it kind of was, still just her and Rose. Her and Steven. She still held all of her memories of Rose inside her, pushed away far enough so it didn't hurt but close enough so they never left. Because she would never want to forget Rose. 5,000 years forgotten into a little boy who didn't know when to stop. She wish she could just put him in a bubble and keep him from harm in the center of the temple. Away from the danger that homeworld brought.

Homeworld

If you had asked her thousands of years ago how she felt about going back she would have simply replied: No. But now, sometimes that was all she could think about. Homeworld. Would she ever go back? Would she ever be able to go back to where she was grown? What changed to make her want to go back? Rose was still here, with Steven, but now Pearl wanted to go back. Or maybe she was trying to get out. To cheat out of a situation that had gone too far out of control. Because this is what their situation is.

Out of control

What did Steven mean when he said he could stop what she started? What she started saved thousands of human lives. ALL of the human's lives! So what was he going to do about it now!? How could he solve a problem that we have been fighting for millennia. What good was giving himself up. Pearl knew she was crying when he turned away from them. He only did that when he was being serious.

When Steven turned around, she knew it would be a long time before she saw him again.

A/N: Did anyone else think it was weird that they left Lars on the ship? I feel like that makes the next episodes more about Steven saving Lars than about Steven by himself. I loved to hear what your guys opinion is on it. I'm sorry the chapters are so short, I'll try to make the next one longer. Comment who you would like to see next.

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	3. Chapter 3: Greg

This is dedicated to MoonPoppy, Agent66, and Arctic Fox.

His son, his wife, everything he cared for. Gone. The Gems came to him in a state of disarray, all looking guilty, as they told him what happened. He knew deep inside, this was Stevens choice, not anyone else's. But he was Stevens father, and he would always try to protect the bad from his child.

Protect. He almost scoffed at the word. How could he protect his son when his son was too busy trying to protect everyone else. Steven had always been a good kid. Always trying to help others and make new friends. But Stevens need to protect everyone had been taking a toll on him. Greg could tell. Steven was always looking for answers. But Greg didn't always know why. Wasn't he a good enough father so that Steven could live his life without needing to know everything about his past?

No...that wasn't it. He knew Steven was looking for answers about himself as well. And about Rose. Oh how he missed Rose. She reminded him of summer, beautiful and taken too quickly. In return she left him the best gift he could have ever asked for. Steven. His one and only child. He loved Steven more than anything in the world. That's why it crushed him to think of all the danger he was putting himself in. He had been reluctant when Steven had first gone to live with the Crystal Gems. They didn't exactly seem like the _best_ parents in the world. But Steven was technically a gem and he needed to know where he came from. Where Rose came from. He wasn't exactly thrilled when Steven started going on missions too. He didn't know how hurt Steven could get or how much his gem could protect him. He didn't want Steven to think he had to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders, that was _his_ job. As the parent.

Most of the time when Steven and the gems went on a mission or went to space Greg worried about their safe return but told himself that Steven would be fine. He had the gems protecting him. But this time not only was Steven going to homeland alone but he was giving himself up. At this realization Greg had to sit down. He might never see Steven again. There was no possible way for the gems to go to homeworld without a ship, and ruby had their only one. There was no way to save Steven.

He let a tear slide down his cheek. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Steven. Greg walked out into town to try to collect himself. As he strolled he noticed Sadie crying on the beach, Connie was there comforting her, but both looked dismal. Steven meant something not just to him, but to the whole town. He could turn any situation into a happy one. But now no one seemed to be able to smile. He walked along farther until the temple came into view. Right now the gems were off trying to collaborate with lapis and peridot on the situation. As he got closer he realized the door was still wide open, as if someone had left in a rush. He stepped inside and walked up the brief stair case to Stevens bed. He looked around and started to notice the little things he hadn't before. Stevens bed covers were perfect, like he made them everyday. His cookie cat clock, a dresser full of the same shirt, and crumpled pieces of paper everywhere. He unfolded them and saw scribbles of writing containing bits and pieces of conversations and information about Rose and the gems. Greg quickly opened one after another and read their contents.

Steven really _had_ been troubled this whole time. Each paper contained frantic writing about his situations and how they connected to one another. Stevens handwriting told him how little pain he knew his son was actually in. He hadn't realized how crushed Steven had been after Bismuth and Jasper. How much he held himself accountable for the unsuccessful missions. Suddenly Greg was openly crying. He hadn't been there for Steven when he needed him most. When Steven asked him questions he hadn't realized how much it pained Steven to not know his mother. Greg wondered if he had been there for Steven, would Steven not have gone on the ship? If only he had payed more attention. Maybe Steven would still be here.

Suddenly he heard a loud sound come from the other side of the temple. Greg rushed behind the T.V. and tried to hide from whatever was stalking closer. He closed his eyes as the pitter patter of heavy footsteps continued closer. He realized that there were two set of footsteps, creeping towards him. Finally they moved to a halt. Greg peaked out from the side of the TV and saw a big pink wad of fur sniffing Stevens bed. Lion was looking for Steven.

Greg slowly approached the over sized cat and tried to calm him down. The cat looked distressed, as if it could sense Steven wasn't coming back. Lion leaped on the bed and curled under the covers that were much too small for him. Greg sat on the edge of the bed next to him. Suddenly, Lion started whimpering and making crying sounds before unleashing a full roar of anger.

"There there," Greg whispered to Lion, "Steven will come back". He tried to believe it but not even Lion seemed to be buying it. A wave of sorrow washed over the room as Lions wails grew louder into the distance. Greg got up and looked outside the window to the dim lights in the difference. Not even the city seemed to shine bright tonight.

A/N: I swear this one is longer….just a tad. I try and I try but I will keep my promise, my chapters will be longer! I was thinking about doing Garnet or Lapis next. What do you guys think? Comment and Follow for more! More reviews means faster typing...


	4. Chapter 5: Connie

All she could do was distract herself, maybe that helped keep the pain away.

Steven was her first friend, her best friend, and he gave himself up. Didn't he realize how selfish he was, everyone in this town needed Steven. Without Steven, the town seemed to fade away. He was everyone's friend, but he was also everyone's hope. Everyone knew that things would be alright when Steven was around.

But he left, he left everyone behind for his stupid nobility. He didn't need to save everyone like he thought he did. The gems could have saved them, she could have helped save them, but he always put everyone first.

So how could she call him selfish?

All he did was save everyone else, who was going to save him?

She wished she could have smacked herself upside her head, OF COURSE he was hurting. She remembered all the guilt he carried from when they were Stevonie, all the gems he couldn't save. All this time she had been worried about how badly he hurt everyone else by leaving, she had failed to see that in reality he was the one hurting the most. All she could think about was calling out to him as he walked away.

This. Was. Real.

He really left, and she was helpless to get him back. Utterly and completely helpless. God! If only she wasn't such a useless human, if only she had been stronger, quicker, smarter, faster...

She heard wailing coming from nearby.

She glanced over from where she was currently breaking down to see Sandy crying in a heap of tears. People crying made her uncomfortable, this was usually Stevens department. She sucked in a breath and walked over to where Sandy was sobbing.

"Are you.."she tried, "Are you okay?"

There was a quick moment of silence before she was able to speak again,

"No" Sandy whispered to her softly, "are you?"

Connie was surprised by the question, she came over to comfort Sandy, not the other way around.

"No" she said honestly, "but we will see them again, we just have to have hope"

"Hope" Sandy repeated to herself, "how?"

"By believing that Steven and Lars are going to be alright" She replied unconvincingly. "And knowing that Steven will fight his hardest to return back home"

"Will he?" Sandy asked desperately, "From my point of view Steven gave himself up, he wasn't captured. He knew exactly what he was going into, he knew that he was subjecting himself to any form of punishment that the gems or other aliens wanted. For all we know..." she took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes "...Steven and Lars are dead"

"Then" Connie said looking straight at Sandy, "We will have to move on. But for now we have to hope. Unless I am proven otherwise, I will always believe Steven is alive"

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...


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